Can I Forgive When Someone Has Not Asked For It?
In my last post I was making the point that we must reflect upon the way in which we have been forgiven, by Whom we are forgiven and the great cost at which that forgiveness was secured, namely the blood and sacrifice of Christ.
I also made the point that in that same post that we can act in a spirit of forgiveness towards someone, but that we cannot actually forgive them until they have sought it. I was teaching a VBS content meeting the other night and I made the same statement and some folks were not sure that that idea settled with them that well. I decided maybe the best place to hash it out was in my blog space.
The question was raised in regard to how we can obey the admonition to forgive those of their debts as God has forgiven us (Matt. 6:12 in the Lord’s Model Prayer), even when they have not asked for it. I don’t think it is a stretch to say, that we can act in a spirit of forgiveness, but the exchange of that forgiveness cannot take place, without an actual personal verbal interaction. My mind is drawn to Matthew 18 and Jesus’ conversation with Peter. After Jesus’ admonition to lovingly confront those in unrepentant sin within the church, Peter asks Jesus how much we should forgive. Peter believes he is being generous with seven times. Jesus says, seven times seven (or seventy times seven depending on your translation), either way, it is a futile effort to try and keep track and that is exactly the point. It goes back to the previous post about how much we’ve been forgiven vis-à-vis the price paid by Christ’s shed blood. Avery clear parallel to this is Luke 17:3-4 in which in a similar way Jesus states that if your brother sins against you rebuke, if he repents, you need to forgive him. And if v.4 we see even if he does it seven times a day. The thing we notice is that there is an exchange. It follows then, that for actual forgiveness to occur, there must be an interaction. It also follows that without that exchange the actual, relational aspect of forgiveness can not be granted, but we are never the less to act in a spirit of forgiveness, because of the great price paid to secure our forgiveness in the sight of God and in light of His just wrath.
I have heard this before and still wrestle with the thought that an exchange must occur. As a child I was the target of the school yard bullies. I still struggle with the consequences. The worst of it, the bitterness and the hatred did not fade when I tried to forgive them until I took one tact. It was not the process of searching out these people. They are not likely to search me out; one I met in a high school reunion didn’t even remember or think that there had been anything to apologize for. It was after meditating on Matt 6:12, Eph 4:32 and Luke 23:34 that I thought I had figured out what I was missing. I prayed, like I had so many times before, to forgive these guys but this time I prayed that the Lord here my prayer and, if He would, please not hold their sin against me to their account in eternity.
The Lord will judge as He pleases; if He judges them guilty for how I was mistreated it will be His decision for their behavior and need not to assuage any pain I may feel or to provide any justice I may be due. I have now asked the Lord of salvation to forgive. He is capable of it. I have sincerely asked. If one of these guys came to me I would thank them for their apology but I don’t think it would be as effective as the prayer I have already prayed. It has been settled for me and any pain that remains provides a good reminder that I have asked the God of the universe to do something He can do and wants to. I guess in a way that can be a hugely damning statement at the judgment of a hell-bound person’s soul; but that is not my call nor my intent. I have the majority of my pain released by releasing any direct or indirect right to justice.
There is the practical side to this. If they are now Christians, then any thing I would hold on to is absolutely silly to hold on to. Christ took their sin and he paid out what was required to provide justice. I don’t want any pain of mine to cry out for any justice that would put him on the cross or increase any part of that suffering. If they are not Christians then the judgment they will face will not be much worse on this bit of bad behavior.
Does that sound reasonable?
George,
Man, I really appreciate your words and your candor! I think you’ve hit on something that is so important and that is the Romans 12:14-21 perspective. God will repay with His vengeance and it is not mine to repay. And if indeed they are born again, I have no right to say that God’s forgiveness may cover a lot, but not this one thing that I am holding against them.
I think in using the term forgiveness, we sometimes mean that we have been gracious with someone in spite of what they have done to us. But I still think that in the truest since of the word, the exchange must happen in a real way.
BTW, Alec just stepped in the office and I had a quick chat with him. He’s a very kind young man. Reared well.